


Red like blood, red like love

by lgbtimelord



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, F/F, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Post-Crisis, Red Lantern Kara Danvers, this is me bullshiting my way through a fic because i love that comic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbtimelord/pseuds/lgbtimelord
Summary: “You want strong?” she whispers, “I’ll show you strong.”Lobo turns around again, an almost surprised look on his face as Kara breaks free from the chains.Her scream is painful and raw as her heat vision strucks him right in the chest. The scene paralleling her moment with Non almost perfectly.Lobo falls to the floor, but instead of burned eyes there’s a hole in his chest and his eyes already look empty of life.No signs of a heart beat either.orKara Zor-El. You’ve got great rage in your heart. You belong: to the Red Lantern Corps.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Alex Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Lena Luthor/Andrea Rojas
Comments: 53
Kudos: 286





	1. Clouds

> _ I keep so much pain _
> 
> _ inside myself, _
> 
> _ I grasp my anger and loneliness _
> 
> _ and hold it in my chest. _
> 
> _ It has changed me into something _
> 
> _ I never meant to be. _
> 
> _ It has transformed me into a person _
> 
> _ I do not recognize; _
> 
> _ But I don’t know _
> 
> _ how to let it go. _
> 
> _ – S.J.B. _

  
  


Kara didn’t cry when she was born.

But yet, no one on Krypton ever did.

In the last days of a newborn’s growth, the amniotic fluid in the Genesis Chamber would gradually change into air, leaving the baby in a comatose state until the parents could go retrieve them. Once they woke up, it had been with big and curious eyes.

Alex had looked at her with an startled expression and high eyebrows when she told her, said that was crazy. 

Kara didn’t tell her she thought that leaving genetics up to luck was crazy too.

She thinks about that a lot. Genes. 

She wonders if it’s all down to a sequence of nucleic acids in a part of each of her body cells.

She knows, in part, that’s true.

Her genes are exactly the reason why her body processes radiation differently and so why she can lift her feet off the ground and lift a spaceship above her head with little to no effort.

She thinks instead about the rest of it. If her genes were prepared for the mess that are her emotions.

She had been selected. Her genetic sequence picked up one by one by the Codex’s logarithm. 

Selected for the good of her family. For the good and greatness of Krypton.

The daughter of a scientist, bound to be a scientist. Her traits were expected to be as The Oracle had predicted.

_ First daughter of House of El. She will be extremely intelligent, as her family before her. She’ll belong in the Science Guild. She’ll achieve many things, her sharp mind and quick thinking will lead Krypton to greatness. _

Her mother had shown her the recording when she was twelve, an usual activity once children learned about the Codex in class. 

The Oracle certainly hadn’t predicted Krypton’s destruction.

Had the Codex prepared her? For a life of suffering, a life of pain and anger. 

Had it been programmed how much she could stand? How much she could suffer, how much she could lose?

Or had her feelings been left out to luck? 

The newborn in room 37 cries along with her mother, she wipes the tears mixed with sweat on her cheeks and holds out her arms to her baby. After a few soft  _ shs  _ and  _ it’s okays _ the baby’s crying stops. 

And so does Kara’s last distraction of the night. 

It’s 4am, her shift long over. There’s a new message from the DEO reminding her it ended at 1am, three more similar texts in the chat she had left on read.

The world is different now.

If she focuses enough she can hear the gushes of wind Barry leaves on his trail all the way from Central City. She can smell the air and find three different smells from the restaurants that weren’t on National City before. She can flip a magazine and find faces that didn’t belong there before, like Kate’s.

Or Lex Luthor’s, her new  _ boss _ . And apparently the best man to ever exist, according to everyone.

The anger that creeps up on her it’s not surprising, an usual feeling in the last few days. She closes her eyes and breaths in and out- the anger sitting heavy on her chest for a second before letting the anger out with every exhale.

She has another convention tomorrow with Lex tomorrow.

_ Breathe in. _

The little kids will appreciate the pictures and toys.

_ Breathe out. _

She’s Lex’s shiny new toy on this earth.

_ Breathe in. _

The money raised on it will go to charity.

_ Breathe out. _

The mothers will whisper about her again.

_ Breathe in. _

_ “Well I don't think Supergirl’s been doing much lately."  _

_ Breathe out. Breathe in. _

_ "Quite the lazy one if you ask me." _

_ Breathe out. Breathe in. _

_ Breathe out.  _

_ Breathe in. _

Something could happen while she’s there.

_ Breathe out.  _

Dreamer can handle it.

_ Breathe in. _

Like she took care of the last two robberies and the fire on the square without her help.

_ Breathe out. Breathe in. _

The anger stays on her chest.

* * *

She’s not sure what made her do it.

Maybe it was a combination of the DEO telling her she wasn’t needed for the second time on a day, Snapper giving her an insignificant piece she finished in half an hour and Alex not answering her phone after the second call- that she sits down and writes a message for her mother.

She doesn’t say much. She asks how she is, how everything is on Argo. She tells her the last few months had been rough and she would like to see her, the small invitation to Earth clear in her words. 

A month of passes with no answer. 

At first she thinks the message is taking too long to reach but Brainy tells her the message took around a day to be delivered.

Then, she thinks her mother is probably busy.

But the disappointment and sadness turns to anger after another week.

Alura never responds.

* * *

Kara cried when she arrived on earth. She cried as she heard the blood moving through her veins and the livid whispers downstairs. 

She cried for her mother. Her father. Her friend from school. The lady that always made her family's clothes. The books she lost back on Krypton and for the memories she didn't get to have.

She cried until the rumbling of her stomach told her it was time to go downstairs.

Somehow, that was the only day she cried so much on Earth- she couldn't cry as much after.

She couldn't cry every single day, the Danvers could have kicked her out if she was annoying. 

She couldn't cry at night, Alex kept telling her she was being annoying and got angry at her.

She couldn't cry as much when she found out the truth about her mother- she had a name to reclaim, a job and a responsibility as Supergirl. She wouldn't waste more than a few moments crying.

Even when Mon-El left, she cried. But it wasn't the sobbing, heart aching crying like that first day on Earth.

She watched Argo disappear before her eyes and she couldn't cry more than a few tears. 

She had to focus on saving everyone else.

She had to focus on what was left.

She could never focus too much on her feelings. She knows that if she ever let's herself cry, she might never stop.

* * *

They’re having a girls night and it feels wrong.

No, it doesn’t feel wrong. It  _ is  _ wrong.

There’s no expensive perfume lingering in the air that belongs to Lena. 

There’s no glass of red wine that is getting filled up constantly.

There’s no “nerd talk” between Lena and Kelly, nor Nia telling them to “stop talking about boring shit”.

Lena isn’t sitting laying on the couch with her feet on Kara’s lap, complaining every time the blonde tries to tickle her.

And Kara can’t stop thinking about how infuriating the scene makes her feel. The way everyone else is just laughing and drinking anyway as if someone isn’t missing- all while Kara feels like she has lost a limb. 

Like Lena has never existed at all, or maybe she did and they’re okay with moving on from her as soon as possible.

Why does it feel like she’s the only one that still  _ cares _ .

Alex hasn’t mentioned her “drinking buddie”, only the fact that there’s no more of the scotch Lena used to bring.

Nia hasn’t mentioned missing Lena’s dirty jokes or the times they teamed up in games, just the fact that she was never “able to bring up some cool updates about her suit” to Lena.

Kelly hasn’t mentioned anything about missing the lunches she used to have with Lena every time Kara and Alex were busy with work, she just mentioned she saw her at work once and never again.

This feeling always creeps up on her at every moment and her heart aches at the fact that she feels like she’s grieving a person no one remembers existed.

“Kara!” 

She looks up startled at Alex’s shout, looking around for danger but instead finds the three women looking at her with surprised and worried faces.

“What- what’s wrong?”

No one says anything instead they look down at her hands. When she does, she finds the pieces of broken glass instead of the glass of wine she was holding.

“Are you okay?” Nia asks as Kara awkwardly cleans her hand on her jeans.

She suppresses the urge to roll her eyes.  _ Are you okay?. _ Probably the single most stupid question everyone could ask Kara after what happened, and yet everyone does.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kelly asks, her voice calm and concerned.

“I’m fine,” Kara cuts her off before she can speak again, “I’m just tired.”

“I know that you’re going through a rough time and-”

“You  _ don’t _ ,” the blonde says, voice low.

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

“What Kelly means,” Alex starts, “is that you… haven’t been yourself lately, you’re always doing Supergirl stuff and ignoring all of us most of the time.”

“Stop,” Kara whispers.  _ Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. _

“Yeah,” Nia chimes in from her place on the couch, “ever since the whole crisis thing you’ve been… angry I guess?”

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _ Kara closes her eyes shut and clenches her jaw.

“It’s all understanding Kara,” Kelly’s soft voice sounds again, “especially after such a big loss and-”

“Stop fucking psychoanalyzing me, I’m not one of your patients!”

Kara’s words, loud as she stands up, make the three women stop all movement and look at her with big and wide eyes.

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. _

“Kara, calm down, we’re just trying to help.”

Alex says as she stands and places herself between Kara and her friends. Her sister’s eyes are filled with worry and Kara  _ hates  _ it, because that’s  _ all  _ they’ve been filled with lately.

The redhead slowly brings her hand to Kara’s wrists as she whispers to her, “Kara? Please, close your eyes, they’re red.”

She sees it now that she mentions it. The soft red glow in the corner of her eyes reflected back at her in Alex’s brown eyes. She closes her eyes and tries to focus on calming down her breath, her heartbeat, her mind.

Alex is still whispering to her, an old trick from when they were young- she’d whisper and whisper and whisper until Kara could actually understand what she’s saying. 

But it’s not working. Her house feels too crowded and the three heartbeats inside are too loud for her ears. 

She softly takes her wrist out of her sister’s hold, she whispers I _ just need some air, I’ll see you tomorrow _ as she flies out of the window, ignoring her sister’s and friends’ shouts calling her back.

She comes back hours later, her suit almost frozen from being so high up. She comes back to an empty apartment.

* * *

She follows Lena’s heartbeat to a small restaurant on the beach side, the next morning.

The one she had taken Kara to the first time she invited her to brunch. Her heart does a flip at the thought of Lena waiting for her.

_ “I promise you Kara, kale won’t kill you.” _

_ “It might.” _

_ “You’re ridiculous.” _ _   
  
_

_ “Well, I’m still your favorite. No take backs.” _

_ “No, I’d never take that back.” _

The memory of Lena’s smile and soft eyes directed at her bring her to tears almost instantly, yet she doesn’t allow the tears to fall.

It was her mistake that led them to not speaking.

“It’s not just your fault,” Alex keeps telling her, “Lena did some unreasonable things too.”

But Alex never understands fully, blinded by her complete trust to Kara and instant distrust of whoever hurts her.

It makes her angry, the way Alex keeps trying to be a selective judge.

She let Jonn take the blame for Astra’s murder because she was sacred to lose Kara, but she didn’t understood her when she was scared of losing Lena to her secret.

She supported Winn, reminded him he’s not his father, but she refused to look past the Luthor name once Lena made one bad decision. 

She even left the DEO, saying it’s now a terrible organization under Lex, as if it’s not working the same way it did when he wasn’t in charge.

But she keeps the anger in, knowing Alex will tell her she’s overreacting because it’s about Lena.

Why is it so bad she wants her back? 

She hasn’t talked to Lena since the first day after Crisis.

_ Lena,I hurt you. I… I know I hurt you. And I’m never going to do it again. And I know how much good you want to do in the world. Just think of what we could do together to help people. _

Lena had been cold. Distant. Already under Lex’s thumb, but Kara couldn’t bring herself to be mad at her.

She was mad at Lex, for using his sister without a care for her. For being around someone as amazing as Lena and only finding a means to an end.

And she was mad at herself, for not seeing this coming. For not telling Lena when she wanted to, for being a coward.

For not watching over Lex more carefully when he was free, for not finding him earlier, for letting him win and instead of fixing it, playing along.

The sound of Lena’s laugh brings her back to reality.

She doesn’t want to overstep, or make Lena believe she’s keeping tabs on her in case she goes rogue. She squints her eyes in the direction the sound came from anyways.

Lena’s head is thrown back, her hair falling on her back with the movement, the dimples visible on her cheeks.

The soft warmth the image brings her, suddenly becomes a burning infierno when she notices Andrea intertwining her fingers with Lena’s.

She flies away the moment she sees Lena’s eyes soften even more.

* * *

She remembers this game she used to play with her father.

The one he played with her as he taught him as many languages as he could.

_ “You’re going to explore so many worlds when you grow up, my love, and if you know the language of that world, you’ll understand it better.” _

When she arrived on earth, she was confused to find there was more than one. It never made sense to her.

(“Well, different communities developed on their own all around the world,” Eliza kept telling her.

“But why wouldn’t people create a single one so everyone can communicate?”

“Humans aren’t the best at communicating with each other, sometimes.”

She still didn’t understand, but she stayed silent and let Eliza explain her conditionals for the third time, even when she had got it on the first one.)

She learned every language on earth anyway.

Let her father´s words wash over her because maybe, if she learned them all, maybe, she would understand humans better.

She keeps playing her father’s game when she’s feeling something too strongly. She repeats one word over and over again, in every language she knows, until it doesn’t seem as real anymore.

It keeps her grounded, because if she’s playing the game then she’s not thinking of whatever she’s feeling as much.

Anger.

Over and over again. Until the word doesn’t make as much sense anymore.

She stays up two more hours.

* * *

She touches down on Lena’s balcony at six in the morning. And when she says her usual “You know, that’s not really an entrance,” it lacks the warmth and amusement she used to say it with.

She takes in the heavy bags under Lena’s eyes, the ones fully covered by make up to the human eye. She watches how she’s a tad slower to get up from her chair.

Kara’s sure it has nothing to do with the nervousness in her heartbeat over her being here but because instead of having arrived at the office early, Lena hasn’t left it at all since last night.

“Supergirl?” she asks, once she walks through the balcony doors, “is everything okay?”

She’s tired of that question. Is the only thing everyone keeps asking her.

And no, nothing is fucking okay. Everything in this single and entire universe is wrong. From the way the water doesn’t taste the same to the fact that she can’t talk to her best friend because they’re still fighting, and Kara can’t do anything to fix it.

She looks back at Lena and no words can leave her. 

She wants to say  _ I’m sorry, I miss you _ and  _ how do I make your eyes stop looking like you’re hurting _ , she wants to say it all at once. But no words come out.

“I- I should go,” she says instead, looking down from Lena’s raised eyebrow to the floor. 

Lena, for her part, snorts and rolls her eyes. "Go back and hide, that's all you do"

The words hang in the air, they sounded more as if Lena was saying the words to herself instead of to Kara.

Lena looked exhausted and definitely not like she was looking for a fight. But maybe that was what the anger growing inside of her was looking for: a reason to scream and let it all out.

Maybe she’d be arguing with Lena, but at least she could be in her presence- maybe that was enough.

Maybe letting Lena break another part of her heart every time she told her she didn’t want to see her again, will calm down the fire that’s steadily growing and growing.

She knows one day that fire might burn everyone around her, and she’d rather it burn her instead of them.

"I'm an alien Lena,” she says, and her words sound stronger than she feels, “of course that's all I do."

"You didn't have to hide with me too," Lena says, her words raising in the end, tired but loud- like that’s all she has wanted to say for a while.

Kara can hear the way her heart picks up its pace after saying it. Can see the way Lena’s eyes shine with tears before she closes them and turns her head to the side- as if looking at her is too much.

She understands what she’s saying, she does. 

She wishes she could go back in time and tell Lena sooner, tell her about Krypton and the stars and her powers and every single thing she always held herself back from telling her.

It was never as simple as just telling her, though.

Alex kept saying no- and what if she had lost her sister because she didn’t agree.

J’onn kept looking at her disapprovingly every time she brought it up- and what if he had stopped looking at her with so much pride because of it.

Nia kept saying it was a bad idea, that a good friend was always good to have around without the superheroing involved- and maybe she was right, Nia’s and Yvette’s relationship seemed to be doing fine, even when Nia kept lying to her friend.

Eliza kept telling her to do what she thought was right- but she didn’t always know what was right.

And obviously the fault falls on her, not on them- they don’t even get why Kara is so upset now, as if they weren’t the ones that had kept holding her back from telling Lena.

But as usual, it fell on her to fix and forget. 

Like she fixed her mother’s problems when every person she sent to prison tried to kill her, and like she forgave her once she found out she was alive- or else their relationship wouldn’t have moved forward, had she kept holding onto her anger.

Like she forgave Alex killing her aunt, the aunt she could have saved, the one she thought was the last one of her family alive- but she forgave, or else she would have lost Alex, and she can’t lose Alex. 

Like when she fixed her relationship with Kal, him not even trying to reach out, only doing it once she put on a cape- maybe because it’s the only way he feels he can connect to the symbol on their chests, but she wants to scream it’s not all it is. She fixed it herself, because if she hadn’t forgave him for leaving her alone with the Danvers and ignoring her all her life, they couldn’t have had a relationship.

She forgave her friends from the other earths for forgetting all about her except when they were in crisis- she forgave and always helped them fix their problems.

So no, it shouldn’t all be her fault. But she looks at Lena’s broken gaze and knows she has a broken heart and can’t help but think that maybe it is.

Still. 

“It doesn’t always have to fall on me,” she whispers.

Lena sighs, “It’s not all on you, not with this, but just… Not yet.”

Kara nods and flies away.

* * *

Kara finds Alura on her apartment's door a week later. 

“Mom!”

She can’t help the smile forming on her face as they hugged. Even though their hugs were different now part of it still felt a little bit like  _ home _ . 

She was a bit taller than her mom now so her face always went to her shoulder instead of her mother’s chest, like when she used to do when she was younger. Her mother didn’t smell like the odd perfume Zor used to bring her anymore, just a simple and generic smell that always made Kara’s nose itch. 

But it’s still her mom and when Alura puts her hand on her back and rubs up and down she can pretend for a couple of seconds she’s still twelve.

“Come on,” Kara says as she opens the door to her mother, pushing her inside, “you didn’t have to come here just because I sent that letter, you know.”

And maybe she’s too excited to notice the way her mother stays silent and how her heartbeat picks up a little bit.

“Yes,” Alura says eventually, slow and carefully, “you sounded upset, are you okay?”

Kara sighs, “I’m fine, don’t worry about it. Since you’re here we can do something together! I didn’t take you to a restaround last time, right? We could go to one!”

Alura stands awkwardly by the door, her back stiff and a serious expression on her face- not what Kara was expecting to see when she turns around, her smile falls instantly.

“I’m not here for that, Kara,” her mother says after a few moments of silence, “I’m here as a… diplomatic delegation.”

“Delegation? What for?”

“Argo stuck a deal with the DEO, an exchange of sorts,” she explains.

Kara tenses and her voice raises. “What?! Are you crazy?”

“Kara, please. This will be good for our people.”

“The DEO is controlled by Lex goddamn Luthor. Lena already gave you the Harun-El, what else could you possibly want?”

Alura clenches her jaw, almost an unnoticeable action that Kara would have normally missed- but she’s starting to feel like the room is too small again, she can hear her mother’s heartbeat loud in her ears and the way her teeth sounded when they hit each other.

“In exchange for our technological advances and a copy of the book of Rao, he’ll give us… something better.”

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. _

“Oh really? and what is that?” 

“Myriad.”

_ “The human race finally has a chance to live. Or it would suffer the same fate as Krypton.”  _ Non’s words echo in her head. Images of Kelly falling to her death as she holds Winn and James in her arms. Alex, in a kryptonite suit, lunging at her- not one hint of love in her eyes.

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. _

“Kara?”

“Myriad… you’re giving up part of our culture, our history, to- to him! for Myriad?!”

“Kara, please calm down-”

“Do not tell me to calm down!” she says, a finger pointed at Alura, “Astra died because of Myriad, a friend of mine died because of how recklessly that was used!”

“We’re doing this to survive! You never know when someone will attack us.”

“You do  _ not  _ have to give part of our home to him for something so- so despicable!”

“You can’t talk to me about giving up part of our home,” her voice raises, “because of you and Kal-El the house of El emblem is everywhere. T-shirts, hoodies, underware,” she makes a disgusted face, “if someone gave away our culture, it was you two.”

“And you think that happened because we wanted to? The only way I can proudly wear this is when I’m saving people as Supergirl! I was so proud of my crest until I found out you and father had tainted it long ago with the decision you made on Krypton!”

Alura looks away. Kara wipes away her tears.

She breaks the window when she closes it too strongly as she flies away.

* * *

It takes under a minute to get angry.

First, stress hormones start to surge through the body, increasing the heart rate and blood pressure.

Secondly, the muscles that are needed to fight or flee become tense and uptight.

Thirdly, breathing becomes more rapid because the body is trying to get more oxygen to the brain.

Anger also causes the release of a hormone that gives the body a burst of energy.

Basically, the body gets ready for a fight.

It takes under a minute to get angry.

It takes around twenty to calm down.

Kara read somewhere, that anger- pure anger, the one that’s constant, the one that stays with you for so long it starts to feel like it’s part of you. That anger kills you.

It impacts the circulation in the body, causing chest pains or an artery to burst resulting in a stroke or a heart attack.

She doesn’t think it matters anyway.

She knows there’s no chance of that ever happening to her. Her body too strong for that.

_ You’re reading human journals, this is human medicine. It’s not you, _ she has to remind herself.

It takes under a minute to get angry.

It takes around twenty to calm down.

She’s on minute five when she gets the message there’s a break in at the DEO.

* * *

She can only see the alien’s back as she lands strongly on the DEO’s balcony. 

He’s tall, really tall. He towers over the DEO agents that stand on his way and he pushes them to the side like they’re simple flies bothering him.

“Stop right there,” Kara shouts as she flies down the stairs. The blood is still running fast in her veins and all she wants to do is finish this quickly so she can go punch some concrete bricks.

The alien turns around, focusing his red eyes on Kara- he looks her up and down and laughs. He turns around and continues walking, Kara shows up in front of him before he can take a second step.

“I’ve got business here, spandex. You’re in the way,” he says, his voice is rough and his english is harsh around some words.

He tries to walk past her but Kara stands in his way again. He frowns and laughs again. “Let me introduce myself, I’m Lobo,” he says, his fist raising and collaiding in Kara’s stomach- sending her flying to the other side of the DEO.

“Big mistake,” Kara tells him, standing up, “I have been through hell lately and I’ve been looking for a fight.”

Lobo’s eyes widen as she flies straight to him. The collision leaves a hole in the DEO’s floor and Kara takes a small second to appreciate the fact that Lex will be mad about it.

“You’re strong,” he says, looking up to Kara, “but are you strong enough?”

Before Kara can understand what he’s talking about, Lobo touches one of the buttons on his belt and two sets of chains start surrounding Kara- holding her still and unable to move as Lobo pushes her to the side and walks in his original direction again.

“Nice try, blondie,” he screams back at her.

He sounds exactly like Lex, and like the bullies back at Midvale, and the dude that kept asking her on a date during colleger, and that stupid dude that made everyone follow his orders during Crisis.

His tone is condescending like Lex’s, and patronizing like Mon-El’s, and dismissive like her mother’s.

“You want strong?” she whispers, “I’ll show you strong.”

Lobo turns around again, an almost surprised look on his face as Kara breaks free from the chains.

Her scream is painful and raw as her heat vision strucks him right in the chest. The scene paralleling her moment with Non almost perfectly.

Lobo falls to the floor, but instead of burned eyes there’s a hole in his chest and his eyes already look empty of life.

No signs of a heart beat either.

* * *

His name was Lobo. One point- eight meters tall, one hundred three kilograms, male, around twenty seven earth years. An czarnian assassin. And she killed him.

She killed him and she barely broke a sweat. 

“I only meant to knock him down, I didn't mean to kill him,” she says again, looking at Vasquez with sad eyes. 

“Believe me, you did the universe a favor,” she says, “Lobo was a hit man and a mass murderer. You should hear the stories about him, or read his file.” 

“I'm still not sure what came over me. Everything just... went red, and- it was like… I was so angry, I don’t even know what about- all of it was tuned into my heat vision, but I swear I wasn't trying to kill him… I just.. I don't know,” she sighs.

“Please, save the sappy sad story for another day, Supergirl,” Lex says as he walks into the room. He looks over to the table where Lobo’s body lies on the other side of the glass and smiles, “see? You even got me a present, you should be proud.”

He winks at her, she clenches her jaw and closes her hands into fists. 

“What are you going to do with him?”

“I’ll do whatever I want, it’s dead,” he looks back at Lobo, “you’re dismissed.”

* * *

She walks out of the training room half an hour later. She wants to pretend her hands ache or that she’s tired and wants to go home, but she doesn’t- her hands don’t feel like they’ve been punching things for an hour and her breathing is the same as if she simply went for a walk. 

She wanted it to hurt, wanted it to tire her out- so maybe that heavy feeling in her heart and stomach will go away. 

When she walks into the command centre she finally notices how  _ quiet  _ everything is. There’s no sound of people talking to each other, no sound of fingers against keyboards, no sound of boots against the floor.

And then she sees them, the bodies. All laying on the floor, some on top of each other, some on top of tables. She runs to the body closest to her and breathes out when she hears a heartbeat.

Loud footsteps make her look up again, her blood runs hot again when she does.

“Don’t worry,” Lobo says, “I didn’t kill them. I was in a hurry.”

“How are you still alive?”

“You really thought a bit of heat vision would just kill me?” he laughs, “For such an impressive file, you’re a bit dumb.”

“I don’t have time for this,” she runs up to him and holds him in the air by his jacket, “what did you do to them?”

Lobo smirks, “What happened, sugar? Are you all tuckered out? What’s wrong? Scared to see what happens if you really lose control?-”

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. _

“-all that power… and you still hit like a girl.”

She throws him to the side like a ragdoll, his body ends up in the stairs- or what used to be the stairs now. “What did you do?”

Lobo laughs and shrugs, “I just used my data dagger to download a few files, nothing too bad, blondie,” he raises an eyebrow, “I found your files, too. Did you know there’s a psych evaluation written about you? Have you ever heard the term _ticking time bomb_? That's exactly how they describe you-”

_ Breathe in. Breath out. Breathe in. _

Lobo stands up, presses something on his arm and walks closer to her, “I was like you once. Bitter. Alone. Mad as hell, but I didn't let it consume me. You need to put it to work, like I did. Let me train you to be my partner.”

“We are nothing alike,” she growls, “and you have no idea what I need.”

“I'm just offering you the chance to take ownership of your own life. This planet is too small for the likes of you, Kara Zor-El. You were meant for bigger things.”

“You know what I'm sick and tired of? People acting like they know what I should do, all the time. Congratulations Lobo, you caught me on the wrong freaking day.” 

( _ You should go to Argo _ , Alex said. 

_ Why don't you take the day off _ , Nia asked. 

_ You need to clear your head, Kara _ , J’onn suggested. 

_ Get your head straight ponytail or you're fired _ , Snapper yelled. 

_ Have you considered just letting it be _ , Barry questioned.)

The ship- Lobo’s ship, Kara supposes- shows up in the middle of the DEO. And all Kara can feel is complete rage. 

My parents. Kal-El. Lena. They all let me down at some point. They all broke my heart. And now this. Crisis. This world. It’s all  _ wrong _ .

She screams as her heat vision makes the ship go up in flames. Just as a voice, loud and strong in her head whispers:

_ Kara Zor-El. You’ve got great rage in your heart. You belong: to the Red Lantern Corps. _


	2. Drizzle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloo, just small note: not everything is exactly the same as the comics or corps lore, mostly bc i don't read all of them and because i need some stuff to go different bc of plots (just letting y'all know in case you're expecting everything as it happens in the comics)

> _ Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away. _
> 
> _ -The Grat Gatsby. _

The view from Andrea's balcony is just as beautiful as hers. The purple, orange and red of the sunset paint the buildings and the street with an almost golden light. 

Wind moves her messy hair into her face and Lena pulls it away with one hand as she tightens her robe with the other one. She’s cold, very cold actually. But leaving the balcony would mean going back to a bed with a very naked and very post-orgasm blissful Andrea. 

It’s not like she’s not happy her and Andrea went back to that small normalcy they had as friends years ago. It was easier, somehow, to forgive this version of her- in this timeline where the amulet was just an idea about her mother, the one where Andrea stole it to save her father, the one with no Lex drama that came in between them. This Andrea was… simpler. 

And she has to admit that after so many months without Kara, the longing for a hold of hands, a hug, a kiss on the cheek or forehead, is finally starting to catch up to her. She can pretend, for moments, that Andrea’s hands full of rings and with bracelets that hit her wrist, are the same empty and sweaty ones as Kara’s. She can pretend, for moments, that when Andrea kisses her on her mouth, on her neck, somewhere down below- she’s thinking of her and not Kara.

She’s angry at Kara,  _ she is _ . It’s just that every time she sees her, the fire burning in her heart goes out a little more.

She sees the way the blonde’s eyes don’t shine as bright. And that her smile is slightly smaller. Or how she can tell by the way she plays with her own fingers, she’s angsty every time she has another convention, and every time she’s with Lex.

She sees the way Kara just looks… sad.

How every time she walks into Catco the blonde raises her eyes, and for a moment, they’re just looking at each other- right before Andrea comes into view and drags Lena away. How in that small moment Kara’s eyes just go a little bit bluer, a little bit bigger, and her expression always turns into one that Lena can describe as simply  _ sorrow _ .

A few moments later, she can’t tell if they were minutes or hours, firm arms wrap around her waist and soft lips rest on her neck- Lena moves her head to the side, giving Andrea more space to work on. 

The brunette presses soft kisses as she moves up and once she’s closest to her ear she whispers, “ _ Amor _ , you’re freezing, come back to bed.”

Lena sighs, “Yeah, just give me a minute.”

“Is everything okay?”  _ Is everything okay? _ She hasn’t heard that question in a while. She can’t really say, if she’s honest. The world doesn’t see her as a pariah, her inventions finally recognized for the good they do- no magazines waiting on the other shoe to drop with her. She finally got rid of all the liars and fake friends in her life, she got rid of Kara- so why does she feel so  _ empty _ . “Is this about Supergirl?” Andrea’s question brings her back to reality.

“What is about Supergirl?” she moves her eyes to Andrea.

“You know, you guys are fighting right?”

Lena scoofs, looking back to the city, “How could you possibly know that?”

“Come on, Lena,” Andrea tightens her arms a little bit as her hand moves inside her robe, softly moving her hand on Lena’s skin, “you haven’t been seen together in a while, if you do you look so stiff around each other. I own a magazine, this wasn’t hard to pick up, by anyone.” 

Lena slowly throws her head back and rests it on Andrea’s shoulders, they stay silent for a couple of minutes until Lena speaks quietly- almost as if she’s talking to the wind.

“I just don’t know how to forgive her.”

Andrea stays still for a second, and she knows it’s because she’s surprised- she wasn’t expecting an answer from Lena.

“What are you supposed to forgive her for?”

_ Breaking my heart. _ “She betrayed me. Broke my trust.”

“Well,” the brunette speaks slowly, “you forgave me.”

“That’s different, you had a reason.”

“Did Supergirl explain her reason?”

_ I'm Supergirl. I've always been Supergirl. I should’ve told you so long ago, I know that, but I just kept making excuses because you’ve been hurt so many times and... I convinced myself that I was protecting you. And then one day you were so angry with me, with Supergirl, but you still loved Kara. And I just kept thinking, if I could be Kara, just Kara, that I could keep you as a friend. I was selfish, and scared and I didn’t wanna lose you, so I kept pretending. and I never stopped. And everytime I kept my secret from you, I wasn't protecting you, I was hurting you just like everyone else and I am so, so sorry. I am so sorry... _

“I don’t know if I want her explanation.”

“Why not?”

“It just felt so-”  _ so much like everything I wanted to hear from her years ago, _ “so real.”

Andrea frowns and she moves a little to look at Lena more directly, “Isn’t that a good thing?”

“I guess,” she trails off, “but she lied before, how do I know she wasn’t again?”

“That’s the trust part, Lena,” she says, her hand coming to rest on Lena’s cheek, “you’ll eventually figure it out.”

“I hope so,” Lena smiles sadly.

Before Andrea can say anything more, she leans in, their lips softly touching. They kiss on the balcony for a while, not a care in the world about the fact that they were only using robes and nothing else, even though the night was cold and they could possibly end up with a cold tomorrow.

Andrea was playing with the ends of the knots on Lena’s robe when they felt it. An earthquake was their first thought.

Except it was sudden, and just as it started it almost ended. They looked at each other confused and turned around when they started to hear the sirens down below. 

They could see it, all the way across the city. 

They walked inside as fast as they could and Lena sat worried by the bed as Andrea turned on the TV. That’s when they saw it: a building burning down and on top of it, in all of her glory, was Supergirl. 

Except she looked different. It was as if there was an almost red glow around her, the blue in her suit changed to black, her eyes were glowing red with her heat vision but instead of going back to its beautiful blue as usual, they stayed a glowing red- almost as if fire was burning inside of them.

“I have- I have to go,” Lena stumbles on her words as she goes around the room trying to find her clothes and cursing the fact that she tried to show off today as she stripped down for Andrea.

When she finally finds her missing heel, Andrea is waiting by the door- her personal car keys in hand as she rushes Lena outside.

The car drive is quiet and tense. Lena can’t stop thinking about Supergirl- was it even Supergirl? Could this be another red daughter? another one of Lex’s ploys to get the public against Supergirl?

As they get closer and closer to the flames, they see people running away from it all, people with cameras running towards it, people that look up to the sky confused asking  _ why is Supergirl attacking us? _

They reach the barricade of DEO agents two blocks away from where Supergir is burning down the  _ Lost World of Krypton _ museum. On the block in front of it stand J’onn, hands on his hips and an angry frown on her face, Alex, in a similar stance that makes some kind of big bracelet shine on her wrist, and Dreamer, looking up with a worried expression at Kara.

(Lena scoffs and rolls her eyes because, honestly,  _ how the fuck did she not realized before? _ )

Alex isn’t looking at Kara though. She’s watching as Lena steps out of the car, raises her chin and says her name to be able to be let through the barricade. 

Lena’s been dreading this, a lot if she’s honest. 

She’s not sure she wants to talk to Alex. What is she going to say anyway?

It was obvious that the moment Lena and Kara had a falling out, Alex would choose her sister. That wasn’t the question really. But Lena thought that maybe, just maybe, Alex had appreciated her enough to at least check up on her, to send a random text, to not ignore the fact that they went out for drinks together every other day- to at least not cross her off as a villain so soon.

That Alex had appreciated her enough so that she wouldn’t try to kill her and then ask for her help a couple of days later.

The question is: did she really mean so little to all of them?

She knows she had never been good at reading Alex and now, as Alex gets closer and closer to her, she’s even less sure about it.

“Lena,” she says once they’re close enough to hear her. Alex is clenching her jaw, her fists are closed as she crosses her arms and her eyes look hard and closed off when she looks at her, “what are you doing here?”

Lena suppresses the urge to roll her eyes. “Oh, you know, just having a little walk with Andrea. Do you think the restaurant on the corner is still open?”

The redhead clenches her jaw and repeats her question, slowly- clear warning not to play her again.

“I’m here to help,” Lena says, “regardless of what you think of me.”

Alex lets out a snort, as if she had said the most ridiculous thing ever. She opens her mouth to speak before she sees something behind Lena and her eyes squints her eyes and glares at whoever is behind her.

When Lena turns around she sees Lex barking orders to the agents close enough to hear him. He walks over to them, in his immaculate dark blue suit, and smirks- Lena tenses instantly.

“Want to tell me why your dear sister went all  _ coocoo  _ all over the city?” He says, waving his hands in the air as J’onn and Nia walk closer to them, listening to the conversation as they keep their eyes on Supergirl standing mid-fly on the sky.

Alex’s back goes stiff before she walks over to him and basically growls in his face. “This  _ isn’t  _ Kara. You clearly did something to her.”

Lex laughs, “While I would love to take credit for this one, unfortunately I can.”

“This looks just like red kryptonite. And we all know you’re a big fan of that, so what. Did. You. Do. To. My. Sister,” she says slowly and threateningly.

Lex squints his eyes, “I assure you. While I’d love to, my dear sister is the only one able to create kryptonite. And she’s been rather… difficult, lately.”

Lena ignores him with an eye roll and turns to Alex again, “Why haven’t you tried to stop her?”

The woman looks even more annoyed, if that’s possible. “We did. J’onn tried to talk to her but before he could get a few words in she threw him to the other side of the city.”

The martian walks closer to them, Lena’s eyes start to check him for injuries until she remembers he can’t actually get hurt. “I called Superman to help, he’s on his way from Metropolis.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Lex stays, fake and stiff smile on his face, “the DEO can handle it. Lena, go to the lab and make a stash of krypt-”

“No.”

Lex blinks and turns his body to his sister. “Excuse me?”

“I said no,” Lena repeats, “I’m not doing kryptonite, much less for  _ you _ .”

“I’m sorry, sister,” he walks into her personal space, she can feel his breathing on her face and smell the faint whiskey on his breath, “I don’t recall saying that as a question.”

“Why don’t you try to make it yourself if you’re so smart?” she chuckles, “I mean, I wouldn’t want to accidentally give myself cancer.”

Before Lex can scream at her again, J’onn interrupts them, “I don’t think it’s red kryptonite.”

“What?” Alex and Lena speak at the same time, they make eye contact for a second. The redhead speaks again, “It looks exactly like red kryptonite, she’s even glowing  _ red _ .”

“When she was infected she didn’t just wake up and started breaking everything around her, it was… more gradual,” he explained, “and she didn’t have a ring either.”

“A ring?”

He nods, “I saw it when I tried talking to her. I’ve heard stories about similar rings, green ones, the wielder uses the ring by willpower alone. Kara’s ring is red.”

“Marvelous,” Lex rolls his eyes, interrupting, “what is her new power then? She’s fueled by the power of love? Oh, maybe it’s the power of red pandas!”

Before anyone can answer him, Superman softly lands besides J’onn, right in front of Lena and Lex. And even now, as he tries to remain firm and strong as he talks to them, Lena can see the concern and fear in his eyes.

“It’s not that,” he says, no hello nor introductions, “it’s a red lantern corp ring, it’s fueled by anger.”

“Great, so now we have a kryptonian with anger issues in our hands. I suppose you know how to fix this?”

“Wait. Wait,” Alex says, raising her hands in the air, “how the hell would Kara even get this?”

“I don’t know,” Clark says, “I have a friend who’s a green lantern, I sent a message to him.”

Alex looks confused, her brows furrowed together- she looks like she’s trying to find something to say, a reason why her sister is suddenly filled with pure  _ anger  _ but the sound of Supergirl landing in the street, breaking the cement in the process, stops her.

The blonde is breathing heavily, her shoulders tense as she looks around with big eyes. They can all see the red veins around her eyes, on her neck and on her hands as Supergirl steps closer and closer to them until she’s face to face with Superman.

Without warning she grabs him by his chest and throws him in the air. She flies closer to him as they go up and when she considers it high enough, she punches him back into the ground. Superman lands on the ground with a loud crash as the DEO agents move around the group to protect them from the debris and glasses from windows falling around them.

Superman is trying to get up, his suit already grey with ashes. He’s raising a hand in his cousin's direction in a sign of stop. But Kara doesn’t stop, instead she walks over to him- red eyes and a scrowl on her face.

He’s not fighting back, Lena realizes, he’s just letting her get her anger out- a complete sense of dread overcomes her when she knows it most likely won’t work. If whatever is happening to Kara was because she was consumed by her feelings, it wasn’t going to go away with a few punches. "Kara, stop. This is not who we are,” he says. 

"It's not who we should be either!" Her voice echoes around the street, loud and full of anguish. “You think this is what was planned for us? To live a pathetic life on a pathetic planet in which its people can even stand each other? Can’t even stand  _ us _ ?”

Everyone watches from behind the blockade as she fists her hand into his chest and rips off the S on it. There's silence. It’s almost like everyone stopped breathing- watching as Supergirl takes out the crest, the symbol of truth, justice and the american way, out of his chest as if she was simply removing dirt from a clean table. 

“You don't even deserve to wear this crest,” she glows, “you never earned it like you should have. You never sung the twelve songs of Rao as his light shined on you and your classmates and swore to uplift Krypton. You never heard what the Oracle had planned for you. You never walked into the science guild with your head held high, just like an  _ El _ . You’re just the shell of what you should have been.”

With each of Kara’s words Clark’s face falls more and more, he almost looks ashamed by the end of it. He looks at her hand, the one holding a part of his suit and the only thing he does is look up to his cousin, slowly closing his eyes when Kara’s leg raises in an attempt to hit him again.

But her foot never reaches his body. A shiny blue light is around her ankle, holding it back from hurting Superman again. Slowly, as if she’s walking towards a scared cat, Nia walks closer to Kara- her hands firm and steady, keeping her powers in check so Kara wouldn’t move.

“Kara? I'm your friend, remember? Whatever’s happened, you dont want to hurt anyone,” she says.

Walking besides her is Alex, her hands steadily holding her gun without pointing it at her sister but ready for a shot at any moment. “Kara, hey. This isn’t you. Let me help you.”

Kara looks almost cofused as she looks over to Alex- for a small moment, it looks like her eyes were glowing less. Alex smiles softly and unsure.

The moment doesn’t last. 

Two helicopters show up in the sky, bright lights directed at Kara. The noise rings in Lena’s ears and the wind created by the helicopter’s blades moves her hair to her face. But Kara isn’t bothered by the hair in her face nor her cape flying wildly behind her. 

Lena looks besides her, mouth open and she hears the end of Lex’s call. “You called them? You fucking called helicopters on an incredibly angry krytonian?” she shouts over the noise.

“She needs to be taken care of, Lena,” he says, almost as if he’s talking about a dog that needs to be taken outside to pee.

“People are gonna get hurt, and it’ll be your fault.”

“Oh, they can handle it,” he shurgs, “though, this is  _ your  _ fault.”

Lena snorts, “Enlighten me, Lex. How the fuck is this my fault?”   
  


“Supergirl being so, so, so angry she went mad. Who do you think drove her to that point, dear sister?” he smirks, “I’m proud you.”

She ignores his words and the pang of pain in her heart, wondering if there’s truth in his words. She looks back to the blonde, Kara looks angry again, the small moment with Alex ruined. She stays still for a few moments before she flies up, up and up to where the helicopters are.

She rips off the blades of the one on the right as her heat vision makes the one on the leff blow up. Superman flies instantly to the burning one, a whole on the fabric of his chest, and J’onn, in his martian form, flies to stop the second one from falling to the ground.

Supergirl is once again standing on the air, this time Lena can see she’s muttering words but she’s too far away to realize what. 

Without warning, Kara falls to the ground. Landing a couple of feet away from her, so she runs to her- she doesn’t really think about it either, she doesn’t think about how Kara almost ripped to pieces her own cousin, her cousin who’s literally invincible. She doesn’t think about it nor the way not even Alex, the person most important to Kara, couldn’t get her to back down. 

She runs to her and knees by her side, she can listen now. Kara’s words. She’s repeating them, over and over again. 

“Krypton...Argo...Lex...Crisis…Revenge…”

She’s too focused by the words to notice how her veins aren’t all red now. Most of them have a greenish color and Lena’s eyes widen when she sees it. A bullet hole, right on Kara’s shoulder, burning green.

“Kara,” she says, pain in her voice as her hands touch the wound, not sure if she should stop the bleeding or get the bullet out. She doesn’t want to think about it, how Kara shouldn’t bleed.

She doesn’t want to think about how she feels like the wound is hurting her too. She doesn’t. She’s angry at Kara. She has to hate her. If she doesn’t, does it mean that she forgives her?

“Lena,” the mumble snaps her out of her thought. Kara’s voice sounds different, harsher and stronger somehow. 

“Just- Stay with me, Kara.”

Kara chuckles but it’s devoided of any laughter, “Where else would I go?”

* * *

Lena feels like she’s been living in pilot mode since she woke up on this new earth. Since she woke up on that couch, wearing a purple sweater she didn’t remember owning, with her brother chatting happily inside her kitchen as if she hadn’t  _ killed  _ him months ago.

She had created a rutine that made her life a simple checklist every day.

Wake up. Shower. Go to work. Sleep- either at her aparment or the couch in her office.

Wake up. Try to forget the last nightmare she had. Shower. Ignore the portraits hanging on her walls with a certain blonde. Go to work. Pretend she doesn’t hear any of the news about Supergirl. Sleep. Wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares. Lay awake for two hours. Work.

Wake up. Shower. Go to work. Sleep.

Wake up. Shower. Go to work. Meet Andrea for lunch once or twice a week. Go back to work. Go to Andrea’s penthouse that night, let her fuck her brains out until she can’t remember what her nightmares are supposed to be about. 

Until she can forget the reason she feels like there’s a hole inside her heart with the figure of a superhero and the laughter of a sun. 

Right now she wishes she could forget. She almost considers calling Andrea into the DEO’s bathroom, pulling her away from handling Supergirl’s imagine on social media with a few agents, and letting her eat her out against the bathroom stall- so she can’t remember why her hands are bright red and she can only smell blood.

She’s scrubbing her hands, watching as the water gets mixed with the blood and goes down the drain. Kara’s blood. 

She can’t get it out and she wonders just how different it is from human blood, why does it feel so thicker, almost as if she’s holding that weird slime kids like to play with. 

“It will work,” Alex says besides her.

“You don’t know that.”

“I know my sister.” 

Lena snorts, “Do you? Because it looks to me that these are some issues you didn’t know about.”

“I know Kara, she isn’t that. She's good, and kind, and the most selfless person I know. She’s infected-”

“Was she?” Lena interrupts, “You heard Superman and that guy, the rings found her, not the other way around. If she has it it’s because it could pick up on her anger.”

The green lantern, Jordan, had shown up a couple of hours after Supergirl was knocked out. His expression when he realized that Kara was kryptonian  _ and  _ a red lantern did nothing to calm everyone’s mind. 

“Look,” Alex sighs, “she’s been stressed, these haven't been the best few months but we’re doing better?”

“We?” She thinks of Kara’s sad eyes, how Andrea told her she hadn’t been requesting her usual articles. Lena laughed when Andrea said she kind of missed having someone who fought her at work. 

But can she really have an opinion on that? Had she known Kara enouh to point out if she looked sad or happy or angry, when all she knew about Kara was whatever the blonde had decided to show her?

“Yes. Kara has been doing some good articles, we’ve been having game nights, I’ve got this whole new thing going on,” She tails off, “I know it's been hard on her after crisis but not  _ anger ring bad _ .”

Lena stays silent. 

“What is it?”

“Nothing.” Alex gives her a hard look and Lena sighs, “It’s just- Kara always looked… sad, when i saw her.”

Alex snorts, “Yeah, no shit. You broke her heart.”

_ Supergirl being so, so, so angry she went mad. Who do you think drove her to that point, dear sister? _

“Right. So this is my fault. You know what- whatever you wanted me to do this time, you can go to someone who you haven’t lied to for years.” 

She dries her hands on the dirty towel and walks past the redhead. She considers bumping into her, pushing her a little, almost making her fall. She doesn’t, though. She just raises her head and walks to the door.

“She smiled,” Alex says, making Lena stop, her hand on the doorknob, “when you were yelling at the agents to get a stretcher, she looked up and smiled at you.”

“And that’s important, how?”

“Kara is still in there.” Alex says, a pleading in her eyes as she walks closer to her.

“I never said she wasn’t, she’s just full of anger right now.”

“Lena, this plan could work,” she tries again “ but we also need kryptonite or we won't be able to stop her id she breaks free.”

“You have that already.”

“I don’t. That bullet was the last one,” the red head sighs again and only then Lena realizes how tired she ctually look- bags under her eyes, bitten nails and untamed hair. She pushes it away, she doesn’t want to feel pity, much less for the woman who had missiles pointed at her. 

“So what, you suddenly trust me?”

“if it means saving my sister then yes, i'd do anything for her.”

She wonders if Alex understand what it looks like when she says it like that, leaving the words hanging in the air- how much it looks like she’s saying Lena would do anything for her too.

“Even if it means working with a luthor?” she asks instead.

“Yes.”

“Just like that?”

  
“Just like that.”

Lena sighs and opens the door, structing Alex to go first. “Fine, but I’m not explaining it to everyone else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!!  
> my twitter is @lgbtimelord if you want to see me complain about how i have to keep writing  
> ps: might take longer to update next time bc i'm in exams weeks


	3. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo after so long!!! I know it was a while buT this girl ended her first year of med school and also holidays and also writers block and also,,, sleeping. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

> _ /sēT͟H/:  verb _
> 
> _ (of a person) be filled with intense but unexpressed anger. _
> 
>   
>    
> 

_ The House of El can be tracked down to the early days of Krypton. Back when Kryptonians were just tribes fighting with each other for more and more land.  _

_ (It would be almost funny now, if it wasn’t sad. How they started as civilizations that kept fighting over the extensive amount of land only to end up dying because they ran out of it- because they never took care of it. Because they never respected it.) _

_ They can be tracked down to Feln, father to Rugad, father to Tomnu. The last one was the father of Erok, who took the name El after ending a war and later named his son Kal-El the first. _

_ “It is a name of power, a name of history,” her father says every time he teaches her about her ancestors, “we should remember them, as we would like to be remembered by those that will come after us.” _

_ So Kara learned them, all of them. She could recitate the entire family tree of the house of El by heart.  _

_ She knew their names, their stories- wheter they were good or bad. How their actions affected Krypton the same way her actions will affect Krypton in the future. _

_ Wab-El. Hyr-El. Tio-El. Bur-El. Val-El. Sul-El. Shu-El. Im-El. Pir-El. Gam-El. Var-El.  _

_ She knew about all of them- and somewhere between the first and second techological revolution, it started to be more about family and less about the dreading of having such a big name to carry.  _

_ She never knew, even when she was that small seven year old who heard about so many inventors and scientists, if she’d ever live up to them. But hearing their stories, their wins and their failures, it gave her a feeling of belonging- and she never wanted it to go away.  _

_ But it did feel like it was going away right now, curled up in the corner of her room as she hid from her father. _

_ The dress she was wearing was uncomfortable against her skin- the traditional funeral robes old and worn out. It had belonged to her mother when she was younger, the same dress she had used for her father’s funeral- Kara didn’t like it.  _

_ She got upset when her mother told her Levi Tev-Em wouldn’t come take her messurings because she was using this one. She didn’t undertand why it was important to use old robes when she could simply get new ones, but her mother insisted.  _

_ Thus, she was hinding. Probably just a child’s wishful thinking that her mother and father would let her be and go without her to Seg-El’s funeral. _

_ She didn’t want to go say goodbye to her grandfather, she didn’t want him to be gone.  _

_ “Kara?” Zor-El’s voice echoes as he opens the door of her bedroom. He closes it behind him and lets out a light chuckle. He sighs dramatically and turns to Wing, Kara’s small nightwing rock carving- the one she keeps carrying around in her pocket, now standing in Kara’s bedside table- and asks him, “I don’t suppose you’ve seen my daughter, Mister Wing? No? I can’t seem to find her either-” he sits himself on the bed and then throwns himself into it, the bed craking a bit under him, Kara laughs and covers her mouth quickly- “well, I’m terribly tired. I might take a nap, you don’t think Alura will mind, right?” _

_ Zor closes his eyes and Kara watches him for a few minutes confused. Her father never sleeps during the day, much less with his robes on and on Kara’s bed.  _

_ He’s a firm believer we should benfit from the sun as much as possible. “The sun gives us life,” he tells her every time she drags her out of bed at the crack of dawn, just so she can accompany him to his lab, “not only in a obvious and biological way but it also powers our machines and our houses. Sleeping while the sun is out is almost an offense to Rao, in my opinion.” _

_ So Kara, frowning, walks over to him. She touches his shoulder with one finger but he doesn’t move. She tries again, “Dad?” _

_ Zor doesn’t move his body but a small smile, just a little movement on his cheek, shows up on his face. Kara frowns again and climbs into bed, kneeling besides him. She shoves him a bit and whispers, “Dad? Are you sleeping?” _

_ “Yes,” Zor responds just as quietly. _

_ “But it makes Rao mad,” Kara says, a bit alarmed. _

_ Her father opens his eyes, the ones so similar to Kara’s, and looks softly at her. “Well, I’m a bit mad at him right now,” he says, “I heard you were, too.” _

_ Kara looks away and bits her bottom lip- she didn’t mean to say that. She had screamed at her mother saying a good God shouldn’t have let her granpa die and then ran off, ignoring her mother's pleas for her to come back.  _

_ And maybe it wasn’t anger- she wasn’t exactly sure. Annoyed, maybe. It felt repetitive- what everyone kept saying, what everyone kept whispering when they thought she wouldn’t hear. _

_ “He was an old man, he’s going to be with Rao now.” they’d tell her, as they try to smile reasuracting at her- even when they were people Kara had only seen once or twice in her life.  _

_ “Quite sick, he was. Terrible disease,” they’d whisper, making her confused. Weren’t they supposed to cure anything? Weren’t they one of the most advanced civilitations in the galaxy, as her teachers kept saying? _

_ She looks back to her father, who was watching her expectantly.  _

_ “He should have given him more days,” she says.  _

_ “Who?” _

_ “Rao. He should have given grandpa more days,” she explains, “he told me he’d take me exploring soon.” _

_ Zor sighs, “He was very sick, Kara.” _

_ “But he promised!” _

_ “Please do not yell-” _

_ “But everyone keeps saying that!” she interrupts, “he shouldn’t be gone!” _

_ Her father sighs and sits up next to her, he puts her arms around her. His cologne washes over her and she burries her face on his chest, trying to keep her tears at bay. _

_ “Do you know who Lyr-El was?” he asks after a moment. _

_ “A scientist,” she says, her voice muffled by his robes. _

_ “Yes, they made something very special.” _

_ Kara moves her head and looks up at him, confused. “Did they do anything important? I don’t remember.” _

_ “Depends on who you ask,” he chuckles, “I rather like what they did. Lyr-El was one of the first scientist to adventure into modificating our genetic material-” _

_ “They made the Matrix?” Kara interrumpts, excited- all trace of the anger about her grandfather gone from her face. _

_ “Not exactly. The Matrix already existed, it was more rudamentary, I guess-” he explains, his fingers fixing Kara’s hair away from her face- “but they were very interested in how genes behaved, and which family lines had which genes. Especifically, which genes would stick more in one family than in another one.” _

_ “Recesive and dominat genes?” _

_ Zor smiles, proud, “Exactly. Lyr made sure any member of the house of El would have one distintic trait. Do you know which one it is?”  _

_ Kara shakes her head. Zor smiles and puts his hand on her cheek, “It’s our eyes, always blue, always bright- as your mother likes to say.” He chuckles and then says a little more serously, “I know Seg won’t be here anymore to take you exploring, I’m sorry about that. But he’s with you- you can see a part of him every day in the mirror if you look close enough.” _

_ Kara nods, serious face and a small wrinkle between her eyebrows. _

_ “Is that why we use blue?” she asks. _

_ “It is.” _

_ “And why the red?” _

_ “Red represents Rao.” _

_ “So if I’m mad at Rao, I shouldn’t use red?” _

_ “You always have so many questions, don’t you, little one?” Zor-El smiles a bit and then sighs as he looks at the clock on her bedroom wall, “I’ll tell you what. Let’s put a little lock on that anger, kind of like when you throw your clothes inside the wardrobe uncarefully- we’ll close it for a bit and then we’ll open it again and tidy up those clothes if you’re still angry. How does that sound?” _

_ Kara frowns, “Why?” _

_ “We need to be at Seg-El’s send off, we can’t miss it.” _

_ “Do we have to?” _

_ “Yes Kara.” His tone was final. Zor was a patient man, a kind man too. But when things needed to be done and needed to be done fast, his tone left no room for argument. Kara had seen him a couple of times- when she went with him to the science guild. She’d see the way people would happily say hello to him and her father answering in kind. She’d see some people go ask him questions about their projects- he was an El after all, and Els were good at what they did and respected because of it.  _

_ So when her father shut down crazy ideas with just a slight tone in his voice, people would respect it. And so, when Zor-El said she had to go to Seg-El’s funeral, she got out of the bed and took her father’s hand in hers. _

_ She didn’t let go of it the entire time. Not when people stepped closer to them to pay their respects. Not when they got closer to Seg’s body to say goodbye. Not when his pod stood in the air and when it was leaving their view, just a small black dot getting closer and closer to Rao.  _

_ She didn’t let go of it as the people around her and herself sent a kryptonian blessing his way.  _

_ "Though we go forth alone, our soul unites us under Rao's gladsome rays. We're never lost, never afraid, for we shrink not under the sun of righteousness. Rao binds us to those we love. He gives us strength when we have none. And in the darkest places, He guides us. For Rao sees all, feels all, His love eternal. Rao, protect us, so that we might protect others. And we shall rise, a fire in His hearth, burning and free." _

_ She forgets about the lock on the “wardrobe” after- too distracted by her aunt returning home with presents.  _

_ She forgets about the untidy clothes inside her mind and let’s them rest as they make a mess. She can tidy it up later. _

* * *

There are voices.

A lot of voices. 

They sound familiar but she can’t figure out who they belong to.

“What even makes you think it’ll work?” One of the voices asks.

“It’s Kara.” 

“Yeah, with a freaking anger ring on her.”

“Nia.” 

“It might work.” Someone else inturrupted. “I’ve only heard the stories about it.”

“See?”

“Alhought.” A pause. “Her heart is already gone. The ring is the only thing keeping her alive.”

* * *

_ Meteor showers were a common occurence on Krypton. Meteroids were always somewhere in the planet’s landscape, sometimes it was one or two quickly flashing in the sky, sometimes it was over ten meteors falling together in the dawn.  _

_ So, no kryptonian was ever surprised when they saw one in the sky. They always considered them a sign from Rao- letting them know he was still there, looking over them. _

_ Humans, on the other hand, see them so little they believe it’s almost a miracle- one that should be told a wish as it flashes by.  _

_ Humans, not used to them, whisper excitedly and curiously at the thought of the meteor shower that will happen in a couple of days. So excited that even classes upon classes, of almost every subject in the little Midvale town, are about it. _

_ “A meteor shower is a  _ _ celestial event _ _ in which a number of  _ _ meteors _ _ are observed to radiate, or originate, from one point in the  _ _ night sky _ _.” Kara’s physics professor talks in a monotone and low voice as he sounds too much like the wikipedia page she read when she first arrived on earth. “A meteor shower is the result of an interaction between a planet, such as Earth, and streams of debris from a  _ _ comet _ _. Comets can produce debris by water vapor drag and by breakup.”  _

_ Physics class was, by far, the worst. She realized after arriving on Earth that even though biology and history were completly different from the one she once knew on Krypton, physics and maths remained the same.  _

_ Except maybe, a couple of different rules here and there. A couple of human mistakes here and there.  _

_ It was the worst because it was too boring, too easy, too many theories and too little knodledge and yet, she took comfort in what she could- and in the fact that Alex was terribly bad at calculus and it all felt like child’s play for her.  _

_ “Each time a comet swings by the Sun in its  _ _ orbit _ _ , some of its ice vaporizes and a certain amount of meteoroids will be shed. The meteoroids spread out along the entire orbit of the comet to form a meteoroid stream, also known as a dust trail.” Professor Grey continues, and she has to roll her eyes at the different theories (and all wrong) that he explains for the next half an hour. _

_ And she knows she shouldn’t, she usually wouldn’t do this. But Kenny was sick today and Alex had laughed at her again when she didn’t answer correctly in History class.  _

_ And she knows she shouldn’t. _

_ Still, she walks over to him after the class ends and tells him he’s wrong. They talk for over an hour or rather she talks as Mr Grey watches with his mouth forming a small “O”- she misses her recese and her free hour but she doesn’t care because she had no one to spend it with anyway.  _

_ She talks and talks. And somewhere in the middle, even with professor Grey’s disbeliving looks, she feels like she’s back on Krypton again- right in the middle of her class, right in the middle of her father’s lab, right in the middle of a room in the science guild, as she talks and everyone listens to what an  _ El  _ has to say.  _

_ She stops at some point and her professor doesn’t answer- too surprised and stunned to say anything back. She’s not sure he even heard or believed a word she said. But she spoke about science, actual, true science- not the childish theories the humans have- and she feels good. It felt like she was back at home, at least for a second. _

_ So she leaves the room, a little jump on her step. And she survives another hour of wars and wars and wars- how many wars can humans possibly have? _

_ And then she leaves the school. When she arrives at the Danver’s, Eliza is sitting at the dinner table- two mugs of tea and a couple of cookies on top of it- she finally regrets her choice even before her foster mom says anything. _

_ She says nothing. Eliza doesn’t either.  _

_ Perhaps, if she doesn’t bring it up, Eliza won’t either.  _

_ Perharps, Eliza doesn’t even know she’s supposed to bring something up. Her hopes are crushed after a few minutes. _

_ “Mr Grey called,” Kara hums, avoiding her eyes, “he said something really ineresting.” _

_ “What’s that?” Kara mumbles, dreading the conversation. _

_ “Said you told him how to solve a physics equation not even NASA has been able to theorize on yet.” _

_ She bites her bottom lip, keeps her eyes trained on her mug, “He probably just confused me with Amy again.” _

_ “Kara.” Nothing. “Kara, look at me.”  _

_ Eliza’s voice is kind and gentle- and maybe that’s worse. Maybe if she sounded angry and annoyed at her it’ll be better. She sighs. _

_ “You can’t do things like that, honey,” she says at the girl’s silence, “you’re going to put yourself, and all of us, at risk.” _

_ “But it’s all so wrong,” she whispers. _

_ Eliza moves her chair to wrap her arms around Kara, letting the girl’s head rest on her chest as she moves a hand through her hair, “I know but humanity is going to have to learn all those things by itself.” _

_ “But I could help,” her words are muffled by the woman’s green sweater, “I could make sure things are right.” _

_ “Kara,” she says, and maybe now her voice sounds tired- the already had conversation being repeated once again, “we’ve talked about this.” _

_ She moves away from the kind-of-hug and rests her hands on Eliza’s shoulders, “But- but Krypton was so much more advanced, I could help!” _

_ “We can’t have a prodigy in the family out of nowhere,” Eliza says, her voice strong, “not without raising suspicuos or questions.” _

_ “But-” _

_ “It’s final, Kara. I’m sorry,” her voice a little gentler, “but no more Krypton stuff, no correcting your professors or inventing new theories. You know this.” _

_ She does. She knows the rules, she thinks as Eliza softly kisses her forehead and stands up to clean the mugs.  _

_ Rule number one: don’t talk kryptonese. _

_ Rule number two: don’t use your powers. _

_ Rule number three: don’t correct professionals on their extensive knowledge, even if it’s completly wrong. _

_ Rule number four: don’t say you’re an alien. _

_ Rule number five: don’t touch Alex’s stuff. _

_ The little paper sits under her pillow, wrinkled and dirty from the many times she read it. The last line is a different handwriting from Eliza’s, a little reminder from Alex after she grabbed one of her books and accidentaly ripped it apart.  _

_ She reads the note, from time to time. And every time, she feels like she’s leaving another part of herself behind.  _

_ Because even writing in her languaje feels like a game of hide and seek.  _

_ Because whispering in it it’s not the same as proudly saying her home’s words.  _

_ Because praying it’s not the same with a yellow sun that takes far too much time to move.  _

_ And she loses little things every day, every moment- and she doesn’t want to think of herself when she loses them all and has nothing to remember. _

_ The table moves out of its place when she stands up and the wood of the arm of the chair creaks under her hands. She sighs again. _

* * *

“What’s happening?!”

“She’s crashing! Get the sun lamps!”

* * *

_ The drive from Midvale to Metropolis took two days.  _

_ Two days and almost ten hours.  _

_ Four buses and three long walks.  _

_ It took two weeks of convincing Eliza and three of the paychecks from walking all the neighboor’s dogs around.  _

_ It took thirty-two calls to Kal-El, all unanswered, and one lie to Eliza that they had been returned.  _

_ She slept some of it. But in truth, she was too excited to be able to sleep too much. At least the landscapes as they moved were a good distraction.  _

_ So much of it was green- Kara still can’t really believe there’s so much grass, so many trees, so much life. All in the same place.  _

_ The trees- all with no apparent reason than to give oxigen and look pretty. The fields- made so humanity can feed so many people at the same time. The ponds and lakes- all beatifully giving a home to so many animals.  _

_ She drew most of them in the little notebook Alex got her. It was full of the green aliens from Toy Story- the Little Green Men. She tried to tell Alex that there was, in fact, a colony of a similar species, but just physically because they were one of the smartest in the universe- her father had spoken greatly of them and made a few of his inventions based on theirs.  _

_ Alex had rolled her eyes and told her to enjoy the present, Kara smiled because she knew her sister appreaciated the knowledge anyway.  _

_ The drive took two days and almost ten hours. It took another four to get to the Daily Planet.  _

_ She was tired. She smelled like the bus and the cheap cologne of the college student that sat beside her and it made her nose itch. The city was too loud- way more loud than the empty streets of Midvale. There were too many people around and she had to be too careful not to step on them or accidently push them, not wanting any more broken bones on her list of “super accidents”.  _

_ The receptionist is a woman in her late twenties and she looks funny at Kara when she sees her- messy hair and wearing the a little-bit-big clothes Eliza had gotten her along with one of Alex’s jacket with the prints “Midvale High School” and “Danvers” on the back.  _

_ Kara shily walks closer to her, adjusts her glasses, and blushes a little when the woman looks expectantly at her. “Uh- Hi! I’m looking for Clark.” _

_ The woman waits for a second, “Do you have a last name? There’s around ten Clarks working here.” _

_ The words “ _ El _ ” almost leave her mouth instantly before she remembers that’s not his human name. “Kent. Clark Kent.” _

_ The woman, Jenny- Kara reads on the little yellow tag- raises her eyebrows at the name. “Are you a source or something?” _

_ “No?”  _

_ “Do you have an appointment?” _

_ “Uh- no.” She shifts on her feet, awkard at the entire sittuation. Why does she need an appointment? She’s family.  _

_ Back on Krypton any member of the family could call on another, even if they were at work or in their personal chambers. Family was important- too little humans undertand that. _

_ “I’m sorry, miss. I can’t let you in without an appointment.” _

_ “But-” Kara starts. Has she traveled so long for nothing? “I’m his cousin. Can’t you at least call him?”  _

_ Maybe it’s for her wattering eyes and the way her knuckles are turning white even if she hasn’t broken the desk yet. Maybe it’s the way the little glasses on her nose remind Jenny of Clark that she holds up the phone and calls his desk. _

_ The call only lasts a few minutes, perhaps longer than it should have. Jenny had to affirm something a couple of times, describe Kara- “yes, a girl with blonde hair and glasses”- asks her her age until Kara answers a timid “sixteen”.  _

_ “He’ll be here in a couple of minutes,” she tells Kara when she finally ends her call with Clark. “Do you want to sit down?” _

_ She points a finger to small chairs beside the wall. Kara can tell they’re uncomfortable before she sits on them, and when she does, she can tell too many people have sat on them and they weren’t clean.  _

_ She sat there waiting for Clark, opening her little notebook and reading the notes she made on it. The ones in Kryptonian- the memories and stories she wants to tell Kal, the ones he can’t possibly know. She gets excited at the thought again, ready to share so many things with her cousin.  _

_ But Clark doesn’t show up, Kara waits as she sits there- hungry after eating all the snacks Eliza packed on her bag during the trip. She sits there and waits. Watches as people come and go from the bulding- none paying attention to the little girl sitting there waiting.  _

_ Sometimes after, maybe an hour or two, Jenny walks over to her, a look of pity on her face and gives her a chocolate bar. Kara smiles at her and tries not to think about how she’s just a sad-looking girl, eating a sad-looking chocolate bar, sitting in a sad-looking chair while she waits for someone that clearly isn’t in a hurry to see her.  _

_ She doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want Kal, the little cousin she promised to protect and raise, to just be a stranger. She doesn’t want one call a year whenever he can. She doesn’t want them to be akward and she doesn’t want them to be about “how to hide”, “how to blend in” and “how to be human”. _

_ She wants to talk about Krypton. She wants to pray to Rao with Kal kneeling by her side. She wnats him to take her flying and tell her about the constelantions she yet doesn’t know. She wants random visits and weekly phone calls.  _

_ She wants to have someone, at least one person, that is like her on this entire planet.  _

_ And yet she can tell it won’t be like that when Clark, half an hour later, walks through the elevator doors and sighs at the sight of Kara.  _

_ There’s a silver light of hope in her when he walks over and hugs her, even thought stiffly. He asks if he wants to go have a late lunch together and Kara excitedly answers yes.  _

_ They walk the streets of Metropolis in silence after Clark answers every single one of her questions with “yes”, “no” or simple hums. _

_ He leads her into a small restaraunt in a street corner and she’s amazed at the bauty of the place. It has the same decoration, tables and chairs as those 70s movies Alex made her watch. The pink, blue and white in everything. The small square tables with the weird looking chairs. The neon lights in all the signs, the portraits of famous artists and the big jukebox softly playing music from the corner.  _

_ It’s fairly empty, just one more person sitting alone at a table on the other side of the room. The waiter is quick to arrive and so they order food, a hamburger for each- Clark awkardly laughing it off when Kara says there’s no way she’s gonna be full with just one and kindly asks the waiter for two more. He’s still chuckling as if Kara said the most ridiculous thing as the woman leaves- and when she does, he looks back at Kara and his face turns more serious.  _

_ “What are you doing here, Kara?” _

_ “I’m visiting you,” she exclaims as if it’s obvious, “I made the calculus and today was your naming ceremony back on-” _

_ “Don’t mention that place.” _ _   
  
_

_ Kara frowns, “That place is home.” _

_ Clark sighs, “Your home, maybe,” he shughs, “I’m sorry Kara.” _

_ “It’s okay,” she tries again, hoping to lift up Kal’s spirits, “maybe you don’t like it because you don’t know what your naming means!-” she grabs the noteboook from her bag and opens it on the table- “here, I wrote down everything I wanted to tell-” _

_ She can’t finish her sentence before Clark sees the writings on the pages and quickly takes the notebook away from her hands. He holds it close to his chest and looks around the restaraunt- no one is paying attention to two white people sitting at a table, but Clark looks like Kara had just screamed the words “bomb” over and over again. _

_ “You cannot do  _ that _ , Kara.” He says, a little angry and a little out of breath. _

_ “Do what?” _

_ “Talk about that, write stuff like this-” he moves the small book around to prove a point- “it’s dangerous.” _

_ Kara looks sad, “But it’s just a little writing. Can’t I write about home anymore?” _

_ He sighs, “I’m sorry but you can’t. And you can’t visit me again.” _

_ “What?” she raises her voice and the waiter and the person from the register cashier look at them, she lowers her voice, “But, Kal-” _

_ “Do not call me that,” he interrupts, “my name is Clark.” _

_ She frowns again- this time not in confusion but in anger. “That’s your name. Uncle Jor and Aunt Lara named you Kal-El, which means Star-Child. You are from the stars, Kal, you should be proud.”  _

_ She whispers the last part, hoping her words would move something in him, get him to see reason- but all he does is look lost. Sad, maybe. _

_ And Kara looks up surprised as he stands up and opens his wallet. She can numbly nod as he asks if she has enough money to go back home. He leaves some money anyway and tells her to buy her something nice- she doesn’t say “nice” would be spending time with him.  _

_ He stops by the chashier and pays for their food. And all Kara can do is hold back the tears as she eats the two hamburgers left in front of her. _

_ Only when she leaves the restaraunt and is putting the money Clark gave her in her bag, she realizes he took her notebook with him- she sighs when she figures out she won’t be getting it back. _

_ She walks around the streets for a while- she tries not to bump into anyone but she does it on occasions and the men keep looking back at her with a curse on their mouth and a hand on their shoulder.  _

_ She knows she shouldn’t walk so much alone, Eliza told her not to. But it was daylight and no one seemed to care she was crying as she walked or that maybe she was walking a little too fast to be considered normal- everyone probably thought she was in a hurry.  _

_ The loud noise brings her back to reality. It’s far away but she can’t tell waht it is.  _

_ She hears it again and looks around- trying to figure out where it comes from. There it is again. She finds, all the way across the avenue, a big sign on golden letters: Metropolis Zoo.  _

_ The sound gets louder and louder as she gets closer to the entrance. She quickly buys a ticket and gently grabs a map- as to not make the small paper tear on her hand- and walks throught the tall gates.  _

_ She watches in awe as every single animal stands proudly before her. She walks through the Zoo and marvels at every single especies she sees. _

_ She watches as the caretakers give a pack of lions meat and watches as they devour it. She sees the giraffes, tall and beautiful, as they walk around. She sees two sleeping bears and three tortoises so big she wonders if the ones she knows from Midvale are badly fed. She sees bisons and tigers and reptiles and the most coroful birds ever.  _

_ Two hours into the Zoo and three hours before she knows her bus is going to arrive at the station- she finally finds the sound she was looking for.  _

_ Right there, in the middle of a made up habitat surrounded by glass, there was a single animal. It looked like a mix between a tiger and a wolf, with only his lower back being stripped of black lines.  _

_ The animal opened his mouth again and there was the sound- only now, so close to it, it didn’t sound like when Kara first heard it, crazy and unknowling. It sounded sad, tired almost- there wasn’t as much heart in the animal as there was in the rest that Kara had seen.  _

_ She walks closer and reads the plaque in front of her.  _ “Benjamin: the last thylacine, also known as the tasmanian tiger, is a carnivorous marsupial that was native to the island state of Tasmania, New Guinea, and the Australian mainland. It was one of the largest known carnivorous marsupials, evolving about two million years ago.” 

_ Kara wipes away the tear from her cheek and holds her hand out to the glass and whispers, “I’m the last one of my kind too, buddy,” _

_ She goes back home with a sad and heavy heart. And nothing looks as beautiful anymore. _

_ The trees are getting cut down. _

_ The fields get burned in fires and the food being made only goes to a few.  _

_ The lakes and ponds are all polluted and dirty- the animals choking on plastic or dying from toxic elements thrown in them. _

_ She cries the entire ride back to Midvale. When she gets there she tells Eliza she had a great time but she couldn’t stay longer because Clark had a lot to work. _

_ She’s not sure her lie was convincing but she’s too tired to even make sure her foster mom believed it.  _

* * *

“So much for a plan.”

“How the hell was I supposed this was going to happen?!”

“Maybe don’t fucking shoot your sister next time.”

* * *

_ “Kara! Come on! Open the door.” _

_ Alex’s voice sounds in a hurry and a little desperate as she knocks on Kara’s apparment door. But Kara can’t move from the curl up ball she made of herself on the couch. She hasn’t been able to do much since she left the DEO two days ago- exhausted and extremely guilty.  _

_ And she knows, she knows, it wasn’t her fault (technically). But she can still remember it all- feel it all. She can still see the remains of what her anger made- the alarm clock destroyed on her bedside table, her clothes burned to the ground, the bar and the blocks around it demolished by her own hands and eyes.  _

_ She still closes her eyes and can see what she did, even though it seems as if she’s watching it all behind a blurry glass or really deep water.  _

_ She can see her hand when she punches a hole into the DEO’s wall.  _

_ She can see Siobhan’s computer as her own hands print the email that got her fired. _

_ If she thinks enough, she can hear the way Cat humiliated Siobhan in front of everyone and she can almost feel herself smirk at it.  _

_ She can hear the club’s music as she dances with James, her hands on his shoulders and their lips so close to each other that Kara has to quit thinking about the  _ What Ifs  _ (what would have happened to James if she kissed him? What would have made her angrier? Would she have hurt him? Rao, she never wants to phantom the idea) if the moment hadn’t stopped. _

_ She can feel Cat’s weight in her arms as she throws her from the balcony, can hear the memory of the woman’s rapid heartbeat and she fell, fell, fell- and then catching her. _

_ She can hear  _ "It's not easy being let down by our idols. Having someone who embodies our heroic ideals helps us believe that we can be heroes, too. Sometimes, heroes fall. So, please, for your own safety, stay away from  [ Supergirl ](https://arrow.fandom.com/wiki/Kara_Danvers) " _ being whispered in her own brain and every time some talks about it on TV and Cat’s video comes once again on the screen.  _

_ She hears herself talking to Alex and she wants to scream at the fact that those words came out of her mouth.  _ “I see clearly! I see how you've always been jealous of me! You didn't want me to come out as Supergirl because you didn't want me to own my powers. I can fly. I can catch bullets with my bare hands. And that makes you feel worthless. And when you couldn't stop me being Supergirl, you got me to work for you. To retain some control. Those days are so over. I am finally free of you, and I'm ready to soar. Look at that city. They worship me. And those who don't, will.”

_ She remembers herself at the bar. She remembers herself as she was flying over National City.  _

_ Remembers attacking Alex- her arm, now broken.  _

_ She can still feel the ray of the kryptonite antidote hitting her body. _

_ And Rao, she wants it all to stop. _

_ “Kara! Please open the door, I know you’re in there.” _

_ Alex has a key, she can open the door herself- she thinks, and she knows it’s almost an excuse because she’s still hoping Alex will turn around and leave.  _

_ But that’s not Alex. And Alex would never leave her alone. _

_ So it’s not surprising when her sister suddenly appears in her view and she kneels in front of her. Her eyes find her cast, and not even the little  _ XD  _ and tiny gun drawings Winn and Lucy made on it makes Kara feel better, only worse. _

_ “How are you feeling?” she asks, the hand from her unharmed arm going through her hair. Kara takes comfort on it for a second before she moves away. _

_ “I’m fine,” her voice sounds hollow, a little broken from all her time crying and all the hours it wasn’t used. “Or I’ll be fine.” _

_ “Kara-” _

_ “It’s okay,” she starts again, “I just need a couple of days to wallow in pity before I get back up.” _

_ She sits on the chouch, leaving her sister some space. She doesn’t want to take on the comfort of Alex’s arms- she doesn’t deserve them right now. She doesn’t want to pretend it’ll all be fine and one day her anger just won’t be there.  _

_ Because the anger always stays, like a silent and heavy companion on her back, and she can never make it go away.  _

_ She wants it to go away, even when she knows it’s more likely that she’ll explode before it goes away.  _

_ Alex purses her lips and frowns, “Look. I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be after everything that’s happened, but-” _

_ “Stop!” Kara’s words are sudden, too suden that Alex’s eyes are big and she does a small jump, one so small that no one else would have noticed- and Kara hates and almost wishes she wouldn’t notice the way her sister is scared of her right now.  _

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

_ “Wh-” _

_ “Stop pretending that everything’s alright now,” she says, more calmly but her voice strong and loud, “stop pretending that I had nothing to do with what happened! All of this is my fault!” _

_ Alex sighs and moves from the floor and sits besides her. Her hand slowly reaches for Kara’s and she squeezes it when the blonde doesn’t move away.  _

_ “I’ll stop pretending everything’s fine if you stop thinking it was all your fault,” she says after she catches Kara’s eyes. _

_ “But it was! I-” _

_ “Was that you? Yeah,” Alex whispers, “but I know my Kara would never do something like that. You only did that because you had red kryptonite in you. You hear me?” _

_ The tears fall from her eyes as she nods. She doesn’t truly believe it, and Alex knows that too. But maybe, just maybe, if she lets Alex wipe away her tears and kiss her softly on her forehead enough times, the anger will dissipate more and more with each of them.  _

_ They stay like that for minutes, somewhere in the middle the redhead moves for a “more comfortable and better couch cuddle sesion” and turns on the TV, letting a Disney movie play out- Kara chuckles when she realizes it’s Toy Story. It’s in the moment that Buzz watches his own television ad, confusion and pain in his eyes at realizing he’s not what he thought, that Kara feels some kind of kinship with him she hadn’t felt before.  _

_ Feeling exactly like a cartoon when she watched the footage of herself destroying the city for the first time. It brings tears to her eyes again and it makes her wonder. _

_ "If it happens again, you won't give up on me right?" she whispers to the screen, but her words are directed to her sister, Alex’s good arm thighten even more on her. _

_ "I'll never give up on you Kara" _

_ Kara sits up, willing her sister to do it too, she whispers again, this time less confident. "But you'll stop me too right?"  _

_ Alex looks unsure, even though they both know where the conversation is going, "Kara-" _

_ "You have to. Please." She begs. And she knows it sounds bad, she knows it’s not what any of them wants to say. But there’s no easy way to say  _ I need to know you’ll stop me _ , even if it is from the person you love the most. _

_ Alex doesn’t talk, the tears in her eyes are answer enough and Kara feels so bad, so terribly bad for what she’s asking.  _

_ She stands up and walks over to the little metal box she left on her bed. She sighs, it’s now or never. The silver bullet is cold in her hand, so very cold. Kara doesn’t want to think what could happen if she suddenly droped it. Would the Kryptonite inside kill her instantly, now that she’s in a weaker state?  _

_ When she turns around and Alex sees it, she’s already shaking her head. Refuses to even look at it again, leaving her eyes only on Kara’s face. _

_ “I had Kelex make it,” the blonde explains, “it’ll stop me.” _

_ "Let's just- let's move on, okay? We're both okay now.” She says, shaking her head as her hand moves Kara’s arms away- as if she wants to be as far away from the bullet as she can. _

_ "Alex-” _

_ "No, Kara. I'm not promising something like that" _

_ "Alex,” she begs, “please. I promise- I promise I’ll hold back as long as I can. I’ll- I’ll make myself be as calm as I can. I will recite every word, in every languaje I know-” she takes her hand and lets the bullet fall into her sister’s palm- “but if that doesn’t work, you have to stop me.” _

_ The last part is barely a whisper, just a tiny movement from her lips. She can hear Alex’s quick thumpthumpthump of her heart. She knows it enough to know it beats like that when Alex holds her breath to not cry- even though she’s openly crying now. _

_ “What is it?” she asks. _

_ “It’s a kryptonite bullet,” she says and Alex sighs, already knowing but dreading the answer anyway, “it’s strong enough to knock me out for hours, maybe days. It’s just in case you can’t find a way to stop me but, please, don’t let me hurt anyone else.” _

_ She reassures her sister as she rests their foreheads together. Then there’s silence. And it’s thick and heavy as they hold hands with a bullet between them. _

_ “Promise me,” Kara says, “promise me you’ll stop me.” _

_ Eventually Alex sighs again, "I promise I'll do my best to always keep you with me." _

_ "And if you can't?"  _

_ "That's not gonna happen." The words are sure. Final. _

_ "And what if you don't go but I do?" The fear, the old fear is creeping back again. But she regrets her words as soon as she says them- too many emotions at once are not good for any of them. _

_ "What do you mean?" the redhead asks, moving away from their small embrance and looking at her, as something that Kara can only describe as weird. _

You'll die eventually, Alex.  _ "Nothing,” she says instead. “Can we watch The Wizard of Oz?" _

_ Alex snorts and punches her in the shoulder, "Yeah, sure." _

* * *

The voices, they’re too loud. Why are they so loud?

“This doesn’t make any sense, we already took out all of the kryptonite from her body.”

“Her veins are filled with liquid fire of the red light, it could be a side effect.”

“Aren’t you supposed to know these things, eh, mister  _ Green Lantern _ ?”

“Kara? Hey, it’s just me, calm down.”

“Kara, sto-”

* * *

_ It looks so different now. Watching the sun reflect on the remaining buildings in Argo city.  _

_ But it’s different. It’s wrong.  _

_ It doesn’t bring the comfort it should. It just feels Wrong.  _

_ The sun isn’t red and the yellow light of the star almost make her eyes hurt with the reflections.  _

_ The air feels thinner too- it lacks that fog-like esscence that it used to have on Krypton. The one that made your lungs feel a bit heavier when you first breathed it in after a couple of weeks out of the planet.  _

_ There’s too many people always walking around- almost as if they’re constantly bumping into each other withouth realizing it.  _

_ Probably too used to the old pods that took you from one place to another. _

_ Probably too unsure of what to do with so much free time that they end up wandering around- time given to them beacuse of the lack of guids, because of the lack of things people can do in the rock flying through space that it’s Argo city. _

_ “Can we talk?” _

_ Alura looks up at the sound of her daughter’s voice. Her mother, who should look different. Maybe older, mayber wiser, mayber sadder. Looks the same as she did years ago- when they stood in front of the pod as she sent her away.  _

_ Alura smiles. The smile doesn’t bring Kara comfort or joy. It just makes her mad that her mother would pretend it’s all alright after everything that happened. It must be shown on her face because her mother stands up and walks over to her. _

_ She tries to rest her hand on Kara’s cheek but the blonde turns away, her eyes starting to burn, “Kara, what’s wrong?” _

_ “You think,” she says slowly, “that because you come back, all smiles, that everything’s going to be ok now? That it’s going to be the same?” _

_ It wasn’t what Kara wanted to talk about- or maybe it was but no so suddenly, not so angrily. Alura looks surprised at the outburst but Kara has had so many losses right now (with Reign, with the world killers, with her fight with Lena) the sadness in her mother’s eyes doesn’t make her feel bad. _

_ “I missed you,” her mother said quietly. “We’re back now, our world is back. We can pick things up again. Why can’t things be the same?”  _

_ Kara let out a bitter laugh, a sound that had no joy in it whatsoever.  _

_ “Oh, you came back! Well, that’s fantastic! I’m glad you made the decision to leave me to live somewhere else, not bothering to tell me or looking for me! And now that you’re back, my life and my problems can go on hold. Because thank Rao! You are back! Why should anything change after years of being apart?”  _

_ “Kara,” she said carefuly, “What’s the problem? Are you not happy to see me?”  _

_ “The problem,” she says, voice already raising, “is that you left me! You sent me away! and now that I find you- you- you’re fine! All without me! And all thanks to dad, the same person that created the same monsters that are trying to destroy my home!” _

_ “So this is what this is about? The world killers?” she sighed, “Kara, your father assured the safety of krypton an-” _

_ “Was it necessary?” she interrupts her. _

_ “What?” _

_ “Was there an inminate threath on Krypton?” Alura’s eyes stay on Kara, but she says nothing. A silent confession. “That's what I thought.” _

_ “Look Kara, there are things you don’t understand about Krypton-” _

_ “No, I don’t,” she starts again, “because I was a child sent away with the responsability of keeping an entire culture alive.” _

_ She wants to scream, scream even more.  _ How was I supposed to do it? Who was going to be there for me? I didn’t want to be alone with just a baby as company. I was a child, I wanted my mom. How was I supposed to move on without nothing?

_ “That’s not your responsability anymore.” _

_ The blonde closes her eyes, a tear falls and she wipes it away. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.” _

_ Alura gets closer to her and wraps her arms around her. She doesn’t hug back but keeps her eyes closed and lets her head rest on her mother’s shoulders. She puts the fire inside out, she lets it go to rest and pushes down, down and down.  _

_ She doesn’t want to fight- she shouldn’t want to fight.  _ Another day _ , she tells herself. _ They can talk about it another day.

_ “Let’s just put this all behind us and move foward, sweetie.” Alura whispers. _

_ “Sure, mom, let’s just put it behind us.” She sighs and wraps her arms around her.  _

* * *

“Kara? Kara. Stop!”

“Where the fuck is the kryptonite?”

“It’s not done yet!”

“There’s no time. I have to take her to Ysmault. She’s gonna end up killing us.”

“You won’t be taking Supergirl  _ anywhere _ . She’s DEO property.”

* * *

_ She loves this. She loves being like this, feeling like this.  _

_ If she only focuses on this room- just this room in all of National City, there’s almost peace. _

_ The stars shining bright in the blue sky, one window open just to let some of the fresh air clean the apparment. Popcorn in a big bowl, three bars of chocolate and two bottles of wine on her coffe table- all in front of the TV as a movie, one that she didn’t use and she’s too unfocused to even know what it’s about- plays in the blackground at just the right volume. _

_ She can forget Mon-El is back with a wife. She can forget there’s world killers running around with no way to find them. She can forget her mother is alive and their relationship is basically in shambles.  _

_ She can almost forget how angry it all makes her feel. _

_ But the most important thing, or maybe the only important thing right now, is the fact that Lena is here. _

_ Lena, who looks absolutely and ridiculously cute on a light blue sweater that is too big on her arms and who’s wearing her hair on a bun.  _

_ Lena, who she has talk to in the last few weeks- but never in a good light. Always with Supergirl. With Supergirl, who is supposed to be so  _ fucking _ perfect but she can never make or say the thing right when it comes to Lena. _

_ Is the family history just  _ too much _? Are they meant to everntually burn and crash? Become dust in what once was the best friendship Kara ever had? What's it gonna be of her if that happens? _

_ “Lena, I thought we talked about this. You said if you developed any weapons that could hurt Kryptonians, you would put them on my radar.  _

__

_ This isn't a weapon. _

__

_ It might as well be. _

__

_ I told you about Kryptonite. And I will tell you if I make it again, 'cause I agreed to that. But with regards to other things I work on, this may come as a shock to you, but I don't think about you while I'm doing it.” _

_ “I don't like this tension between us, Lena. And I know it's my fault. I know James told you what I asked him to do, and... look, I feel terrible about it. I made a huge mistake, and I'm sorry. _

_ Well, it's easy to admit your mistake when you've been exposed. _

_ That's fair. I just don't want one mistake to ruin our friendship, that's all. _

_ It won't. _

_ Good. _

_ We don't have a friendship, Supergirl. All this time we've been working together, it's been about work. We have a mission to complete. And I am not about to let any tension between you and I get in the way of that. Are you? _

_ Of course not. I-I just hope, um, when we solve this, we can work to rebuild our trust. _

_ Why is it so important to you that we're friends? I have friends, Supergirl. Friends that don't scheme behind my back or lie. Given my family history, they know how painful that would be. They also know I would never enter into a friendship with anyone who's already breached that trust. _

_ Understood.” _

_ Lena, who she feels like should be the last of her worries and all she can think of, between everything else, is  _ Lena, Lena, Lena.

_ “Well, you can't be all things to all people. All you can do is be true to yourself. _

_ Which self? I'm supposed to stand for... for truth. But how am I supposed to be truthful? Really truthful. _

_ Well, if you tell Lena the truth, you'd be doing it to make yourself feel better, not her. So maybe, in this case, it's, uh... not telling her the truth is the noble thing. It's a sacrifice you're making to protect her.” _

_ “Something happened with Reign? _

_ No, actually, it's... it's Lena. Why did you tell her that Supergirl asked Guardian to go into her lab to find kryptonite? Now she has a problem with me. _

_ She does not have a problem with you. She... she couldn't wait to see you this morning. She was talking about it. _

_ She couldn't wait to see Kara, not Supergirl. She has a problem with... with Supergirl. Supergirl can't tell her that she can actually trust me because I'm her best friend Kara, but Kara can't tell her why Supergirl took it so personally that she was using kryponite behind her back because Lena doesn't actually know that I'm Supergirl.” _

_ “My secret identity is there to protect people, and if Lena knew I was Supergirl, people might use it against her. For the past two years, I... I've had to be dishonest with her while she's been opening up to me. Lillian Luthor said it, and she was right. If Lena ever found out that I was Supergirl, she would be devastated, and she would lump me in with every other person in her life that's betrayed her.” _

_ Lena, who she has only seen as Supergirl the last few weeks and now that she has her in front of her she doesn’t know how to speak. Only, maybe, touch.  _

_ Because one of her arms is around Lena, her hand resting softly on the cotton of her sweater, as she lets the woman rest her head on her tricep. Her other arm is resting in Lena’s lap as both the brunnette’s hands play with her fingers. _

_ She lets her head fall into her friend’s and lets it rest there, as she pretends to watch the movie instead of taking in the feeling of who’s supposed to be her best friend curled up beside her. _

_ And it should be wrong, somehow. Lena is dating James, kind of. They’re not official yet. She’s not too sure how that happened and the feeling in her stomach every time she thinks about it doesn’t make her want to ask either.  _

_ And it should be fine, just for tonight, she can have Lena after so long. She can hold her in her arms and pretend she doesn’t hate the other half of Kara.  _

_ Right now, it’s just Lena and Kara. Kara and Lena. And nothing else should matter. _

_ “Tell me anything,” Kara whispers once the movie ends. _

_ “Anything?” the brunette thinks for a few seconds, “I made something new in the lab.” _

_ “Did you? Well, I’m not surprised, you’re a genious after all.” Lena chuckles as Kara moves her hand up and down the woman’s arm, “What is it?” _

_ “An image inducer, it’s supposed to help aliens fit in.” _

_ Kara moves so her body is facing Lena and she can look at her, “Lena, that’s amazing.” _

_ The brunette nods slowly, puts a strand of hair behind her hair, “Yeah, it’s taking longer because of the whole Supergirl and Re- Nevermind.” _

_ She cuts herself off and Kara holds back a sigh. Reign. Like a bucket of water on her face as she sleeps to ruin her day. But Kara isn’t supposed to know about Reign, Kara Danvers is supposed to be clueless so she lets it go. Instead she focuses on the way Lena now has a frown on her face and she’s biting the inside of her cheek just slightly. _

_ “Aren’t you happy about it? It sounds like it’s gonna help a lot of people.” _

_ “That’s the thing,” Lena sighs, “is it gonna help them fit in? Find a job? Find friends? Or is it going to help them create more chaos or maybe rob things with the security that cameras and people will only see humans?” _

_ “Lena-”  _

_ “I know what you’re going to say, Kara,” she cuts her off, “I know you want to think of the best in everyone but I can’t have that luxury.” _

_ Kara sits up straighter, clear her throat, “Are you not going to release it?” _

_ “Not yet. The board wants to have a list of every single person that buys one,” she says, “I’m not against it.” _

_ “What?” _

_ Lena looks up surprised at the raising in Kara’s voice, she looks at her confused, “What what?” _

_ “You can’t do that Lena!” She stands up from the couch, giving Lena a little whiplash at the sudden dissapearence of the arm holding her head up. _

_ “I can’t do that?” _

_ “You can’t just- you can’t just make a list,” she says, waving her arms around, “you’d just have a list of aliens lying around for someone to take!” _

_ Lena stands up too and  _ Rao, did this just turn into a fight? How did she turn this into a fight?  _ “Kara, please. You’re being ridiculous, what would someone do with a list like that?” _

_ “What would someone do? Lena!” she half laughs half scoffs, “What do you think would happen if someone like your brother got his hands in a list full of aliens’ names?” _

_ And just as soon as she said it, she knew that was a low blow. Maybe too low for Lena, who hadn’t done anything wrong, who hadn’t even raised her voice.  _

_ “Lena,” she whispers, “Lena, I-” _

_ She raises a hand tiredly and whatever Kara was about to say dies in her mouth.  _

_ “No, you’re right.” The words are stiff, controlled and, unlike her heartbeat, slow as Lena says them. “You have a point.” _

_ “Lena-” _

_ “I should go.” _

_ “What?” she watches helplessly as Lena sits on the couch but instead of relaxing back she puts on her shoes, “Wait. No, stay.” _

_ She grabs the brunette’s hand as she moves. Lena’s hand is so cold, why are Lena’s hands so cold? Is it a human thing? Alex’s hands never feel so cold. Is it a being-in-a-lab thing? Or is this just how Lena feels every time Kara throws a verbal punch at her? Had she felt this cold during her fights with Supergirl? _

_ Lena smiles sadly at her, puts her cold hand on Kara’s warm cheek, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”  _

_ The blonde leans into it before following Lena’s lie, “Yeah, tomorrow.” _

_ Lena walks out of the door and Kara feels like she’s in the middle of a road that splits in two and she doesn’t know if she should choose being angry Lena or being at herself. _

_ Instead she stays on the middle of the road with a heavy heart at ruining the only night of calmness she has had in months. _

* * *

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you, Kara.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading and so ask yourself before commenting: is this really "criticism" or am i just being an ass on someone's work for no reason?  
> until next time!!! :)

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language so all mistakes are mine.  
> Would love your thoughts so: comment!!  
> twitter: lgbtimelord


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